Saturday, June 26, 2010
I have deleted everything on my blog and started over. My old blog served me well for the two years I wrote on it. Then I noticed over time that it had become a chore and I no longer looked forward to writing on it. Oh it helped me to keep my sanity through some very dark days after being struck down by a severe pain disorder but constantly writing about the struggle was no longer helping. I know there are others who were fighting right along with me as I heard from so many of them. I like to think we helped each other, I wish them well and I continue to pray for their daily struggles. But now, as I begin my fight to save my home, I think I'd like to write of different things.
Also in the middle of being a voice for the victims of pain, my son became seriously mentally ill. On Halloween night, my son began a 24-hour nightmare that started with scratching. Take your hand and scratch across the nearest surface made of cloth. Hear that sound? My son hears that in his head almost non-stop. He also hears a woman in there. She asks him who he is a lot. She tells him to cut himself and to end it all. The bitch! In his better moments, he says he "kinda" knows she isn't real but one look at his face and you'll know he isn't convinced of what he's saying. (Update:August 1 - a male voice has now joined the female voice but the male voice is not mean, so far.) And remember those scary sillohouttes from the movie Ghost? Imagine if you were seeing something similar many times during the day. While you are watching your favorite t.v. show or chatting online with a friend, bizarre shadows dance in and out of your line of vision. This is part of his daily life.
I have lost my son and found myself with a grown man who, in many ways, reminds me of the small child he used to be. Schizophrenia. I hate the sound of the word. His struggle and the lessons I am learning continue everyday. I may write of his life now and how we adjust to changes. I may even throw in a comment or two about the pain battle...it's hard to stay away from something that effects you all day long. I will explain more about the financial battle as we wade the river of of information and bureaucracy.
I am learning to decorate. Let me rephrase that. I have absolutely no money and must have been out of my mind when I decided to change my home, but I am redecorating my condo. It happened after I ran into a blog one day and became enchanted with the style of the couple renovating their home. I was a goner after reading the first entry I ran into on the The Lettered Cottage blog. I looked around my condo and saw my mother. And my grandmother. And other relatives and friends who have given me home decor gifts over the years. Bless their hearts and their wallets but geez, when did I lose touch with my own style?
My heart is at the beach. Oh, I may live in a landlocked state but my soul screams for the sound of the ocean waves hitting the shoreline and the feel of hot sand under my toes. During times of extreme stress, I have run home to California and its beaches. Every vacation that I could afford to, I ran home to the beach. During moments of crises, I close my eyes and transport myself back to a time and place that brings me joy and comfort. The beach is like Valium to me, only better.
So how does one decorate their landlocked condo into a cozy home reminiscent of those days? How do you completely redecorate with very little money? Goodwill, garage sales, church rummage sales, the dollar store and the free column on craigslist.com. Yes, I know you see shabby and worn down stuff in your mind. I used to too. I was wrong and I decided to decorate and then blab about it on a blog. Oh joy of joys! It is possible to find beauty and simplicity, lace and crystal, silk flowers and china, all in a place mixed in with the tired and the should-have-been-thrown-in-the-trash-five-years-ago on every shelf. Bless the hearts of everyone who donates their treasures.
So stay tuned as I get pictures up and gather my thoughts together...